


Can't Go Back to the Way Things Were Before

by jibberjabber599



Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: F/M, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-26
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-12-03 17:40:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/700924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jibberjabber599/pseuds/jibberjabber599
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some of the show's moments through Finn's pov. Chapter 1 covers ep. 1-3 and chapter 2 covers ep. 4-6.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, this is my first fic ever! Just written for fun, but I hope Finn doesn't seem too ooc. Excuse any grammatical errors.
> 
> I'm American, so I'm not that great with British slang and such, sorry!

Rae doesn’t really seem to like him.

And that’s okay, since he’s not sure if he really likes her all that much, either. He doesn’t even know her that well. You can’t like someone you don’t know.

Maybe that’s what bothered him so much. That she seemed to dislike him, without even getting to know him. So maybe he’d said her name wrong and underestimated her self-proclaimed vast musical knowledge, but he’s not actually that much of a dick.

But then again, she was practically a stranger who was suddenly tagging along with Chloe and then a part of the gang, so he wasn’t exactly jumping up and down inside about it.

Sure, she was funny. And he did have to admit, she had good taste in music. Though her superior attitude when it came to it was kind of annoying, or maybe it was how easily she bantered with Chop and Archie over which mainstream songs were decent enough while he couldn’t even make a suggestion without her rolling her eyes that was actually the annoying part. 

(Not that he would know if she rolled her eyes because she barely even looked or spared more than a few words his way when Archie was around.)

He’d never seen Archie that…interested in a girl, or anyone for that matter. Somehow that bothered him too. 

What really bothered him was him having to stoop so low as to ask Archie what’d he’d been up to (with Rae), only to be told “nothing much, mate”, and then having to find out the next day he had kissed her. 

By Rae, in front of a hooting Chop and a gleefully clapping Izzy- none of which, happened to be Archie.

They fucking kissed.

That bothered him. Everything bothered him. And he didn’t even know why.

Probably because one of them had to be lying, and he’s pretty certain it isn’t Rae by the beaming grin on her face that she struggled to contain and failed.

Most probable reason: he doesn’t know why any of this bothers him- why she bothers him. Or, he’s not sure he really wants to.

~x~

Why he ends up phoning Chloe to ask for Rae’s address just to show up at her door to grovel like he’s the one who stood her up (fucking Archie, why did he have to be a dick to someone who clearly fancied him when he obviously returned those feelings?), he doesn’t know. 

After all, doesn’t the saying go “don’t shoot the messenger”? He was clearly the messenger yesterday, and yet, here he was. Each rap on the door manages to sound as unsure and hesitant to his ears as he feels. Some foreign guy sticks his head out and asks in broken English who he’s here for and for a second he wonders if Chloe decided to mess with him and give him the wrong address.

And then there she was, leaning on the doorway, but his relief is short-lived when he realizes she’s not even believing a word of the explanation (the explanation that Archie should be giving her) he still stumbles over even after rehearsing it in his mind about a thousand times since he hung up on Chloe before she could interrogate him.

He’s obviously not even good at this sort of thing. He’s just trying to show her he’s not totally rude and she’s not nearly as bad as he treated her, but it’s clear that her dislike for him outweighs the effort.

But then she steps out and is telling him “the list isn’t that long” in a way that seems to lift something off his chest that he didn’t even know was there. Either way, he decides he really likes the grin that lights up her face when he tells her to give Archie what’s coming to him as he glances back one last time and rides off.

~x~

Sometimes, he finds himself sneaking glances at Rae. Usually it’s when Chop’s being loud and stealing everyone’s attention or when she’s giving these smiles to Archie (who returns them) when she thinks no one is looking. It always makes him feel like he’s intruding on some secret silent conversation between the two and it’s…frustrating, to say the least. 

And sometimes, he doesn’t even realize he’s watching her until he’s almost been caught. Once by Izzy, which would have been bad considering she is notorious for letting things she’s seen or hear accidentally slip out of her mouth and the last thing he needs is Rae thinking he’s a freak that stares along with whatever else she thinks about him. 

They were at least attempting to be some sort of friends, and he’s pretty sure any little thing could ruin that.

Like him telling her that her staring freaks him out. More like glaring, because she gives him these weird sorts of glares that he can sometimes feel, like her eyes are burning holes into him. Out of dislike, he’s sure. He wonders if she can feel him staring too, but it suddenly doesn’t seem to matter as much when she denies ever staring (glaring) at him. 

Shit, he can’t be imagining things now too, could he?

He’s certainly not imagining her insulting him over being the one making the list of songs for the trip. And he’s definitely not imagining her yelling about never being able to win or the pang in his chest when he watches her angrily storm away. 

He never thought how she might be feeling. And suddenly he feels a shit ton of guilt, because what if he was one of the people that made her feel that way? 

“Let’s just go,” he hears Chop sigh beside him and the boys murmur in agreement.

He considers it for a moment, but realizes he can’t just leave her, not when she was that upset. “Uh, I think I’m just gonna try to ask Rae about those tunes again when she gets out.” 

Chop tosses him a weary look, “Suit yourself, mate.”

He taps his pen anxiously against the table, waiting, lost in thought as he wonders what to do once she does come out. What will he say? He could use the music excuse, but he’s sure she’ll see that’s crap and he was really just worried about her. What if that pisses her off more?  
It takes him a second to realize someone just left and he’s almost positive Rae had just slipped out and now he’s kind of mad because she had to have seen him waiting for her. 

He shrugs on his leather jacket, rushing out, weighing his options. He could just leave her be (after all she might just be embarrassed over the outburst) or he could follow her and ask her if she saw him (she had to of) and then chew her out for it.

But those options are completely off the table when he hears those guys throwing insults her way and sees the helpless look on her face and then all he hears is the blood roaring in his ears and his fist stings from the right hook he deals to the leader.

They’re easily threatened like he had suspected (making fun of a girl, of Rae, was pathetic and said a lot about a guy), and one punch and a few coarse words later, they scurry away. Suddenly he feels awkward again, because what crap excuse could he come up with to cover this? He was being nice, doing the right thing; but he wasn’t just doing it to be nice, or just because it was the decent thing to do. 

He didn’t have completely selfless intentions. Did she know that he really wanted her to like him? 

He really doesn’t want to find out, so after her nod when he asks if she’s alright, he leaves. He’s not ready for that, to talk about what was going on between the two of them, if anything was indeed going on (well, on her end). He doesn’t want to know that, either, and he’s not ready for it.

That night, when he plops down on his bed, he flexes the fingers of his bruised hand, a smile tugging at his lips at the twinge of pain. The smile remains firmly planted on his lips until the music lulls him asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excuse any mistakes.

He gets a love letter in the mail.

It’s pretty shoddy actually; something he could imagine a thirteen year old girl writing in between obnoxious giggling. That didn’t mean he didn’t feel a little bit flattered.

He was curious as to who wrote it, but he wasn’t going to lose sleep over it.

And then there was the fact that a part of him really missed Rae. He didn’t know when that development took place, when exactly he went from feeling nothing but mild-indifference to a certain type of fondness for her, but it had and he was done questioning or trying to avoid it. 

She had good taste in music, was loud and funny, and didn’t spend all her time fixing her hair or applying her makeup in a compact like other girls. In fact, she was like one of the guys, but not—there was something inside him that was a bit too aware that she definitely wasn’t a guy. And she had one of those smiles that lit up her eyes and maybe he found it kind of cute.

He wanted them to be mates, and he was almost sure she wanted that too. After all, she had thanked him for the punching incident just as genuinely as he had awkwardly brushed off the kind gesture as something anyone would have done. He’d half expected her to tell him she could take care of herself and blow it off entirely.

He had even looked forward to exchanging playful barbs over his song choices (though some had been really top-notch, and he put them on there because he naturally has good taste in music, not because he wanted to impress Rae), and maybe he’d planned on throwing in an apology for being such a dick to her when they first met. Then, they’d enjoy the show and would spend the ride home gushing over it, and he’d drop her off with an unspoken agreement that they were officially mates.

But to his disappointment, none of that even had a chance of happening after she’d ordered him to stop the car and ditched them to go somewhere with Chloe. He had adjusted the volume until it was almost blaring—enough to drown everything else out—after she shut the door behind her, because he’d never actually known what it was like for the universe to conspire against him until now, and he’d rather not dwell on his lack of luck. 

He’d enjoyed Knebworth well enough, but he couldn’t help but wonder if he’d of had an even better time if a certain someone had been there too.

But all that kind of fades into the background when his Nan gets sick and his visits to the hospital become more frequent as the days pass.

~x~

He hasn’t seen the gang in a couple of days, so Chop calls him up one afternoon to ask what’s up. He keeps the call short and sweet; he’s not one for pouring out his emotions and he really doesn’t want to start crying about how things aren’t looking too good, but Chop understands and just tells him to come around soon. 

Not an hour later, his dad knocks on his door saying he’s got another call for him.

“It’s a girl, says she’s one of your friends,” his dad tells him with a sly grin that makes him uncomfortable.

A girl, he thinks while making his way downstairs.

He picks the phone up, voice a little too hopeful when he says “hello”, because it might be R-

“Finn! I heard about your grandmother, how are you?”

Well, definitely not Rae.

“I’m, uh, okay,” he answers, not completely able to keep the disappointment out of his tone.

“Did I catch you at a bad time?” Chloe asked, sounding a bit too concerned.

“Nope, just playing some records in my room.”

“Oh. Maybe I could come over sometime and have a listen?”

She asks so nicely, so eagerly, that he can’t find it in himself to refuse.

“Sure, that’d be fine, I suppose,” he tells her, and his free hand fidgets with the cord, winding it over and over around his index finger.

“So, Finn…” she trails off, sounding more nervous than he had ever heard before, “Has anything, I don’t know, good happened recently?”

He pauses, brow furrowed in confusion. “No, I don’t suppose so.”

“Nothing that cheered you up?” Her voice catches, sounding as disappointed as he did only minutes before.

“Nah, nothing. Why do you a-”

But the only answer he receives is the sound of the dial-tone.

~x~

He puts two and two together, eventually.

He’s on his way to the hospital once again, and it suddenly hits him. 

The letter. Chloe knew about the letter.

It made sense, after all, it was from someone in Lincolnshire, and Chloe always seemed to know about everything somehow. So, maybe she’d been asking for a friend, someone she was close to, someone who trusted her, maybe…

He saunters over to his Nan’s bedside, grin still in place as he gives her a small embrace. She doesn’t miss it, sizing him up with a look she’s given him for as long as he could remember. 

“What are you grinning about?”

She holds out a hand, so he kneels down by her and clasps it. “I think I like someone.”

She eyes him again, critical. “You always like someone.”

“Now, Nan,” he chuckles, “You know that isn’t true. I’m a bit of a grumpy sort; I don’t really get on with loads of people. Besides, this is different.” 

“Different?” she echoes, smile crinkling the corners of her eyes.

“Yeah…different. I think she might like me too, though.”

“Oh, really? Why?”

“Well, there’s this letter…”

~x~

He can’t remember a time when he’d wanted to ditch a party just to go home. And being mates with Chop meant he’d been to his fair share of parties, some that were absolute crap.

Apparently, friends didn’t hug. Or, maybe Rae was never even his friend.

Maybe, I don’t want to be your friend.

The simple sentence becomes a mantra in his head. 

It was bad enough at the pub, when she’d pushed him away just to talk to Archie. Then Chloe had brought up the love letter—he’d asked her earlier if she knew who wrote it and she’d acted a bit too surprised to be the one he went to—and he’d nervously waited for some sort of recognition flicker on Rae’s face. Except all she did was scoff about how stupid it was.

He should’ve known she’d find the entire concept of a love letter stupid. 

It would’ve been so easy to lean in and kiss her in the cupboard. He’d wanted to, considered it, but if she’d rejected a hug; why did he think she would ever accept something more?

He had to get away, just someplace quiet for a little while, at least long enough to check on Nan again.

He dials home, hearing what sounds like faint crying in the background when someone finally picks up.

“Mum?”

“Finn,” it’s his dad, his tone somber. “We were going to wait till you got home…”

~x~

“I’m here,” Rae murmurs repeatedly after she finds him, rubbing soothing circles on his back.

He never imagined himself falling apart in front of a girl. It’s not so bad; he’s not some sobbing mess, but the tears he sheds on Rae’s shoulder don’t feel as mortifying as he thought a situation like this could be.

“Do you need, um, a tissue or something?” she whispers when he’s calmed down, their arms still around each other.

He doesn’t trust his voice just yet so he shakes his head in refusal, not ready to pull away.

“Maybe you should go home?” she asks.

The room is silent for a few moments as an idea forms in his head. His index finger begins tracing the letters before he’s even made a conscious decision to go through with it, and he feels her jump, startled.

N-O.

I-’-L-L.

S-T-A-Y.

He’s nearly caught off guard by what he thinks is the feeling of her heart hammering against his chest in tandem with his own.

“I-I didn’t catch that,” she stammers.

He chuckles through his nose, preparing to trace the letters on her back again. 

He does it slower this time, makes sure she has no doubt as to what he’s telling her. Only this time his message is slightly different.

T-H-A-N-K.

U.

He doesn’t miss how she squeezes him tighter for a moment before pulling away.

~x~

They’ve just settled down in their duvets, both chuckling under their breath when they spot Izzy curled up at their feet, asleep.

He tells Rae she would have liked Nan, just like he’s sure Nan would have liked the girl he was falling for.

He usually needs music to fall asleep. Tonight, he doesn’t.

~x~

He calls Rae up after Nan’s funeral. He’s found it is easy talking to her; there’s no pressure.

She’s a good listener and she breaks the ice effortlessly—unlike him. 

“So, how was it?” her voice is soft and sweet when she asks.

“Nice, I suppose.”

His own voice is still hoarse from failing to suppress his emotions earlier. 

“Nice?”

He can only imagine how incredulous she looks right now, and a smile tugs at his lips.

“It was sad, obviously,” he concludes, adding, “But she’s not suffering anymore and all that, right?”

She leads the conversation away from the funeral, choosing instead to tell him how much everyone had missed him the last couple of days.

“So you missed me then, too?” he asks cheekily.

“Well, it was nice to have a break from your moods.”

“My moods?!”

“You can be a bit grouchy,” she tells him matter-of-factly.

“I am not grouchy!” he denies, chuckling.

“Sure you aren’t,” she sing-songs, giggling.

She doesn’t bring up their new way of communication, or the kiss he’d given her on the cheek. But he’s not bothered or worried, because if Archie could kiss her cheek and give her those secret smiles, then he could have his own secret language with Rae as well.

“You might be the only girl I have actual conversations with—well, other than Nan,” he confesses.

“Is that…a bad thing?” 

“No,” he answers immediately; truthfully. “It’s not.” 

~x~

He’s not lying to Rae when he says she is the gang, for him at least.

It’s not like he doesn’t share things with the others.

He and Rae just have more things in common. A connection of sorts, he supposes.

That sounds like bollocks, even in his head.

But that can’t stop the smile that forms when he thinks about her these days.

~x~

When they’re on his scooter and Rae’s fingers link together around him, he can’t help but take a quick glance down.

It’s nice; for once she’s relying on him, holding onto him.

~x~

He sees the kiss between Rae and Archie.

He knows the jealousy, the anger that the action sparks in him is a bit irrational; Rae and Archie had both taken pills so they weren’t really in their right minds. And it’s not like Rae had ever even told him how she’d felt, not like he’d even told her, but he’d assumed…

So he doesn’t push Chloe away when she kisses him.

If Rae can do it, so can I, he tells himself, kissing Chloe harder as if that will magically erase the guilt.

~x~

It’s a difficult thing to watch the girl you’re in love with get in front of everyone and admit she’s “mad”. 

He feels guilty for never realizing she was hurting; for not being the person he should have been because she should have been able to trust him enough to tell him.

He has a hard time wrapping his head around the fact the most confident, brilliant, beautiful girl he’s ever met had ever felt the need to harm herself.

His mouth feels dry, and even when he sees Chop stand up to applaud her, his feet feel like they’re glued to the ground.

He doesn’t deserve her. Not when she could get up in front of everyone and confess all that, despite what they could say. She faced possibly being rejected by all her friends while he couldn’t even admit how he actually felt.

And right about now, he feels…useless.

~x~

He takes Chloe aside after Rae’s speech, mulling over how to let her down without being an ass.

“Listen, Chloe, I think we should ta—”

“I think I already know what you’re going to say,” she cuts him off. 

“You do?”

“You’re gonna go on about how we’re different people and you’re not interested, but you still want to be mates,” she pauses, and her soft smile isn’t bitter liked he’d expected. “I guess I’m not too mad about you not liking me, since the girl you do fancy happens to be pretty great.”

She pats his arm sympathetically, “Good luck.”

~x~

Archie catches him on his way out.

“You leaving?”

“Yeah, I guess I am,” he answers, glancing back to the room Rae had gone off to with her mom. “I just…I can’t—”

“You can’t stand in front of everyone and tell them how you feel,” Archie finishes for him.

“I-I’m not brave like she is, but…” he trails off, still periodically looking over his shoulder to make sure Rae hadn’t exited and spotted him.

“But?” Archie urges.

“But I can’t go back to the way things were before,” he shrugs.

“’To the way things were before?’” Archie echoes. “But were you guys ever just mates? I mean, it’s like Chop and Izzy. They’ve been in love with each other and said they were just mates—except really they never actually were just mates.”

Archie claps him on the shoulder, giving it a squeeze.

“Take it from me; the longer you wait to tell someone the truth, the harder it gets. It’s probably best to just be honest with her. Why don’t I give you a head start and tell her where you went when she asks.”

“The chippie,” he decides immediately. “Wait, how do you know she’ll even ask?”

“She will. She always does when you’ve wandered off,” Archie insists, throwing him an encouraging smile before turning him around and pushing him out the door. “Besides, I need to repay the favor. It’s my turn to play the messenger, eh?”

~x~

She tells him she doesn’t believe him, but he can’t find it in himself to care when he had never been as sure of his feelings as he did now. It’s sappy and a bit awkward- something he would have taken the piss out of months ago, but he can’t bring himself to care about that either.

She doesn’t return the confession, doesn’t have to, because the look in her eyes says it all. She takes his hand, lacing her fingers with his own, and he can settle with this—for now.

Someday (hopefully soon), she’ll give him the chance to show her how much he means the words he traced on her back.

And maybe, just maybe, he’d say them, too.


End file.
